Still

It wasn't long before I stepped out the door
My counselor had arrived and it seemed like
I could see into anything before it even happened
I could see every pebble in the pavement
The exact geographical location of
every storefront, billboard, and the water tower
I loved the water tower
I told details of every location I visited in extraordinary detail
My counselor listened and we walked
It wasn't just the neighborhood I could see into
It was the whole universe
All my synaptic connections popping my head
And when it was so bad I wanted to die
But I didn't want to die
I said universe
I said the craziest shit I could think of
And laughed knowing how crazy it was
How embarrassing it was
I just wanted to survive
Just to survive
It was a crazy game where
Saying universe in the tiniest voice
And then universe louder until I was shouting it
Was my way of saying how bad it was
My head was a maze of numbers calculating everything
Nothing would compute
And then I was back at the entrance of my condo
Shouting universe universe universe
Shouting names of people I loved, thought I loved, might love
I was pure unfiltered
And I thought I was going to die
I was fighting with every ounce of my energy to stay alive
Then the police and medics arrived
I was flailing out into the street
Into oncoming traffic
It took three or four men to restrain me
My head banging the pavement just to feel
My right hand pounding the pavement until it could not feel
My condo neighbors came out
Didn't know what to make of me
I was fighting for my life
It took three or four to restrain me
They tied my hands together
They tied my feet together
Restrained my head
Lifted and strapped me into a guerney
Drove me to Northwest Hospital ER
I'd been there a week earlier
This was worse
The food, the care, the screaming
I would feel better and then I would think I was dying
I would push the buzzer for help
It seemed like forever for them to come
Perhaps I was screaming
I kept ringing and no one would come
But they did
And then I couldn't remember
I couldn't remember
They wouldn't let me have paper
I forgot everything a minute later
I forgot everything
I was restrained
They wouldn't let me have paper
And finally I was feeling better
I didn't think I was going to die
But I still couldn't remember
Finally I got paper and
I recorded everything
Nurse names, their titles
My friends names, their phone numbers
They took me out of restraints
I got paper
I looked over the room
Figured out how everything worked
The hospital bed
The equipment
And I knew everything
I got everything wrong
I got everything right
Everything half right
A world of opposites
And yet I knew I was half wrong and half right
I couldn't tell them apart
Everything
Everything
Needed notes
I left Northwest ER the next day
Taken to Navos Mental Health in West Seattle
I took forty pages of notes the first day
Just to remember
I couldn't remember
There I connected with the writers
The brainiacs the super intelligent
The broken ones
The food was horrible but I learned
There was nothing to do but exercise and learn
It felt like a twisted vacation
You could say anything and no one would remember
It was the ultimate freedom
The men and women were separated
For obvious reasons
Still the attraction was there
But the meds messed with my sex drive
Over two weeks and nothing
Getting better I wrote less
Remembering more
Helping others fit in
Sometimes backfired
Mostly helped
Who to trust
Who to stay away from
Letting go to
Guide those to their type
Perhaps allowing their self-destruction
To keep myself intact
Moving through each step toward freedom
Three weeks later
What I learned
I'm still learning
I am still
Learning to feel

Denis Streeter   1/26/15